The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
