mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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