69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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