I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
