shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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