When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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