My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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