I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
