she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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