I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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