New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
