I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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