Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
