we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
