Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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