I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
