turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
