This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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