you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
