I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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