if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
