im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
