just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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