can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Randomize
