lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
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