I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
