I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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