I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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