Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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