You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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