I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
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iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
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You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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