just survived the first fart of the relationship.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
