I think my fart just growled at me.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
