i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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