I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
