oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
