I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
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