just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
