STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
