Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
