I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
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pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
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So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
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