I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize