he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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