Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
