For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
