If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i think i have two assholes
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Randomize
