I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
