put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.