It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????