Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious