My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
People in love make me want to vomit
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
