Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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