JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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