I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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