I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Randomize
