how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
