i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
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He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
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Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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