He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
should my penis look like a turkey
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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