Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
