I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
