my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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